Have you ever had those moments when you know God is trying to teach you something but you're so upset in that moment you're not sure what he's trying to teach you or why?

Yeah I'm in one of those moments.

The last couple of weeks have been really tough for me. Writing things out like I do on this blog is a way for me to cope with things that I'm not really sure how to cope with otherwise. It helps me think things through in a logical way.

You see, my parents are divorced have been for about a year now. My mom has been dating a guy since right after the divorce was finalized. My dad moved out a year and a half ago, and just recently started dating some lady that lives in Illinois. I was never fond of my mom dating someone, but for some reason I've had a harder time dealing with my dad dating. The only conclusion I can think of as to why is because he moved to Ohio and is now planning on moving to Illinois, BUT he wouldnt stay in Missouri where his own kids were.

As of this weekend, I've been having a harder time with my mom's relationship. See, the guy she's been dating has a brain tumor, he had surgery a while back for it and then went through chemo and radiation treatments. It went away for a little while and came back three times the size. He's scheduled for another surgery in two weeks. He's been wanting to get engaged to my mom for some time now, and they finally got engaged last weekend. He then wanted to get married before his surgery in case he's not in good enough shape after...so the eloped on Saturday night...without telling me...I knew it was soon but wasn't sure when so I get a text while I'm at work saying that they got married...and now my mom can make medical decisions for him when he can't, and she now has health insurance which she did not before, and if they're married for a year before/if he passes away she'll get his pension. Which are all very noble reasons to get married. He wants to be able to take care of her even after/if he passes away. Which is awesome. But I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I never thought I would have a step-dad or step-siblings.

Honestly I feel like my parents are trying to replace our family with new/better ones. I know that's completely ridiculous and I shouldn't think that way, but thats honestly how I feel. I dont want to deal with holidays with the step-family and my dad and his girlfriend and her family. I just dont want to have to deal with that.

Honestly I feel completely alone right now. My best friend got married this summer, and is working full time now as a nanny so I hardly ever get to see her. Another girl friend of mine I recently got back into my life left for school yesterday, and then my only other girl friend here lives across the river and I can never afford to go see her and she works all the time. I'm not in school this semester so I have no one to hang out with.

The guy I've liked for years started to show interest in me, and we talked for a while went out on dates and acted like a couple. We were taking things slow feeling it out seeing if we'd be good together or not. We went to a wedding last night together and on our way home we were talking and he feels like God wants him to really test his feelings for me by backing off for a while and seeing if the feelings are real or not...Honestly this couldnt have been worse timing. After my mom getting married, and my friend leaving for school the thing I needed most was him by my side holding my hand saying everything will be okay and that he's here for me no matter what.

I keep thinking back to Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

It's comforting to know that God is here for me even in these times when I feel alone in everything I'm doing. Knowing that God has promised that he will not leave me or forsake me is an amazing feeling. Though my heart is filled with hurt and my mind is swirling with confusion, I know that God is in control and he will heal my heart and help me know his plan through all of this.

Praying and trusting God right now because that's all I can do....
~Hannah

Temptation

Temptation is a word that makes many uncomfortable because we face it every day. The word is different for every person because we are all tempted by different things. We all have our own weaknesses. Whether it's lust, substance abuse, or whatever else it may be we are all tempted at times.

On Wednesday night my pastor talked briefly about temptation. We're currently going through the book of James. Last night we talked over James 1:9-18, but the part that hit me the most was James 1:12-15 which says 

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death."

The literal translation of lure is to trap and entice is to be baited. Have you ever felt trapped or baited by your habitual sin? Because I have. I felt that that way earlier this week. In a moment of honesty I texted a guy last week that I had made some mistakes with in the past, it was an innocent text just hoping to catch up, and possibly inviting him to a christian concert I was planning on going to later in the week. He said some things which made me end up saying some things I shouldn't have and was almost talked into staying the night at his house, and going out drinking with him. Luckily God is amazing and pulled be out of the situation. I was able to make other plans to get away from the temptation, and honestly I had more fun with my friends that night than I would have had I hung out with him. The whole time I had been talking to this guy I knew that it wasn't right and I never felt at ease about any of it. I had made mistakes in the past, and men are one of my biggest temptations. It's been a really tough journey, but I know with God I can get away from any temptation that comes my way. 


Temptation is something we all have to deal with. Jesus even dealt with temptation. Temptation is not a sin, giving into that temptation is the sin. Jesus never gave into that temptation, giving us the example to follow. Our worldly desires can get the best of us and at times we will give into that temptation. The important thing though is to understand that God WILL forgive you for that! God sent his only son to live a perfect life and die a horrible horrible death on the cross so that when we to fail and sin that we are already forgiven. That way when we are standing in front of God at the gates of Heaven and he looks for our name in the book of life, it will be there. All we have to do is believe and ask him into our life. Amazing!


Man, I dont know about you, but I am encouraged by that passage, and by what God has done. Yes we will be tempted, and yes we will fail and give into that temptation, but because of His grace we are saved! :)


~Hannah

Trials

I've been thinking a lot about trials lately and how they can strengthen us. Also I've been thinking about how it can encourage someone else watching the way you deal with those trials. What I'm talking about may not make sense to you right now, but I'm hoping by the end of this blog you will understand what it is I'm trying to convey.
You see I've been dealing with some trials of my own the last couple of weeks and with that I've been thinking a lot about past trials and the trials a couple of my friends are going through right now. Honestly, looking back and looking at what my friends are going through is encouraging me through my trials right now. Here's how:
Six months and two weeks ago my beautiful niece, Eden, passed away. Through this trial I watched as my brother's family didn't weaken, but only get stronger through her death. I saw how they drew closer to God, and how they just worshiped through everything. I don't know about you, but watching someone go through that and deal with it in that way is very encouraging. If someone can deal with the death of their daughter through worshiping the God who created her and decided she was too beautiful for the earth, that's pretty amazing.
After the death of my niece, there were many other trials that came and went, and I don't really want to get into what my trials are right now just for the sake of time but they include a broken down car thats gonna cost me over $800 to fix, a guy I've been in love with for two years, and I was sick all last week when I had tons of homework, work, and tests to study for. You can see my delima.
So as I've been dealing with those things the last couple of weeks I've been thinking a lot about Eden, and a good friend of mine who I just found out him and his girlfriend of two years recently broke up. You see, this friend of mine is an amazing young man, he's one of my best friends and I'm constantly encouraged by him and the way he deals with situations that are tough. He truly loved his girlfriend, so obviously he's really broken up about this. Him and I had a conversation last night about this and he was talking about how he knew God had a plan through this, and how he's already seeing God's fingertips in all of it. He also said he was ready for the next step and ready to find the woman God has planned for him because he knows that God has someone planned for him that's beyond his wildest dream. To hear this, I thought back to when this same friend was in the hospital just a year and a half ago with an illness that could have killed him. I started to think about how through that illness he trusted God completely and knew that God would take care of him. Yes he was in the ICU and the first doctor he ever saw was surprised that he was able to survive this illness, but he was completely relying on God through it. I told this friend that I was totally encouraged by him and the way he deals with trials, and how he completely relies on God. In return he told me about how he felt our friendship was a perfect example of how God intends us as brothers and sister in Christ to be with one another, and how that encouraged him, and how me telling him that completely turned his night around.
Can I just say, God is so amazing through trials! His love and desire for us to grow through trials in encouraging. So after all these stories and everything I've been thinking about lately, I am encouraged.  I know that God's hand is upon the trials that I am going through and that he has a plan even if I cannot see it. His hand is in the trials you're going through too, dont forget that. I'm going to leave you with a passage from James, it's my favorite book of the bible and this passage has helped me through many trials in my life.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" - James 1:2-4

Count it joy my brothers and sisters. Love you all.
~Hannah

Or those of you who don't know, my sister in law had a still birth in October. They we due in November and it was very hard on everyone in my family. They named her Eden Grace and they now have pictures of her on their walls. Just 3 months later my other sister in law had a baby girl naming her Kenzie Eden. Middle name obviously after Eden Grace. I just got done with a visit to my brothers which had the still birth and got to see their other three beautiful and healthy kids. I'm on my way home now and I started writing this and thought I'd share it. It isn't really a poem but some would take it as that. It's just my thoughts on her and the situation. When my mom asked my four year old niece if she knew her cousins name she goes "yeah! Kenzie Eden!" and my mom said something on the lines of "that's right!" and Paris responded saying "all is happy again now that Kenzie's here!" I almost cried. She misses her little sister so much and she has pictures in her room of Eden and if you ask her about them she goes "that's Eden, she died. I really miss her, but she's with Jesus now!" this weekend was a great weekend but was definitely a tough one too since that had been the first time I had visited since Eden died. Here's what I wrote

Thinking about the little girl that never had a chance
She never had the chance to grow
To know how much her family loved her
God took her before we even knew her
He saved her from living in a world of sin
She's with him now walking on streets of gold
God had grace on her like he had grace on Adam and eve in the garden of Eden
We all love and miss her
As another baby is born her sister says everything is happy again
Isn't that the truthI?
God gives and takes away
Although he took that beautiful little girl before we got to even really know her
He gave us another little girl to love forever
She has no idea how big of an impact she had on us while she was here
Although when we finally saw her, her soul had gone to be with the Lord
We loved her, kissed her, and held her while we cried wishing she would have had more time
The word Eden used to just be a name of a garden to me
Now when I hear that name I think of her and what she means in my life
When I used to hear grace it was just something that God gave us that we didnt deserve
Now when I hear it I think of her and how through Gods grace he took her home so she wouldn't have to suffer through the things of this world
We love you Eden Grace and we always will, thank you God for giving her to us for that short amount of time. We might not think it was enough time but you're timing is perfect on its own way. Please take care of our little angel for us.