This has just kinda become my journal lately. A lot of the posts I havent been posting tho, just saving for myself so I can go back and read them later.
I had a bit of a breakdown this evening. I hadn't had one in a long time, and I just got so frustrated that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I hate having breakdowns because I cant control it when it happens. I got so stressed about school, and this quiz I took and didn't do very well on, then there's so many things in my life right now that I'm trying to change, I just got way to overwhelmed and couldn't hold it in any longer. I stopped what I was doing (which was reading my Sociology book that I had to read for tomorrows class), and just prayed saying, "God, I can't do this anymore without you. I'm giving it over to you, God. I'm trying to change these things in my life so I can be closer to you, but it's times like these it's so hard for me. I need you to guide me, and to help me. I need you to give me the strength, knowledge, patience, and the attention span to do this. Please Father just help me be the best I can be. Help me not to be lazy in this time where I'm trying to learn more. God, I know I haven't been a very good student in the past, and have just weaseled my way through highschool, but, God, now I'm trying to be serious about school, and want to learn. Please just give me the strength to continue through it."
God has recently shown me some places in my life I've been at fault. Which I'm going to be honest on here about what all those things are, which is very hard for me considering I have never publicly said what these struggles are that I'm trying to change.
Firstly, and the biggest one for me is lust, I've been struggling with lust for over a year now, which you have no idea how hard that is for me to admit, but every day is getting better, and I know that for my future husband it is something I need to work on.
Secondly, I've been struggling with my language. I've had a problem with cussing for along time. If I said that to even my best friend they'd be like "really?" because I don't cuss around other people very often. When I'm by myself is when it's the worst, which is just as bad as when I'm with people.
Third, I've been really bitter against some people in my life. Including a church that was a huge part of getting me in my spiritual walk where I am today, and I really hate to say it, but I've been really bitter towards my dad. We'll have conversations, and it just makes me mad when he says some of the stuff he says. Which makes me disrespect him too.
And lastly, I've been struggling with laziness. I've needed to go out and get a job for a while now, but just have NOT wanted to do the work to get it. I also have not wanted to do my school work and wait until last minute to do it. I dont study hard enough, or even care if I get what I'm learning. I just want to get it over with.
It's really hard for me to admit all of that on such a public place that my family could read. But it's something I feel I really need to put out there. Yes I know it's really no ones business but my own, but if I dont put it out there, I dont know how I'll be able to overcome it. Because now, I can come here and talk about how I'm doing with it, what God is teaching me through it, and who I'm meeting that is struggling with the same things I am. Over the last few years I've struggled with depression, falling in and out of it. Lately I've fallen back in, and I'm really hoping that these next few months of me working on my relationship with Christ, I can turn my focus back on him, and serving him with everything I have, and that will help. I think that might be why I've struggled with anxiety lately too. Because I haven't given everything to Christ. I've been holding onto certain things, things I shouldn't hold onto. Please be praying for me as I try to overcome these struggles. It's very hard for me at times.
In Christ,
Hannah
