These last two weeks have been absolutely crazy. Last weekend Erin came in town, which was awesome! We had a blast! Once she left on Sunday I started studying for my final that was on Wednesday (got a B in the class. So excited about that!). I've been working a LOT these last few weeks, which has been really stressful for me with school, and just trying to find time for friends and church. I had to ask off work last minute for today because well...my brother and his fiance got married.
Ellen, my brother's fiance, had been repainting, my brother, Parker's room this week when on Wednesday she gets a call from him saying "I get to come home Friday night. Lets get married on Saturday!" (for those of you who dont know, my brother is in the Marines and has been in San Diego and Virginia the last few months for training) So we got to throw a wedding together in two days. The wedding was this morning, it was beautiful even without much planning. Very small and intimate, but all the close friends and family showed up which was awesome!
Although today was AMAZING, this afternoon/evening have been really tough on me. Part of it is being tired, another part of it is just everything else thats going on in my head. Right now I'm sitting here thinking of what to write, with my eyelids trying to close on me, but me fighting them open, along with fighting back tears. It's really tough to do if I do say so myself. I'm sitting here in my room, thinking about what it really means to have a home. This summer while I was in Colorado I really learned that a home really isnt a house, where you and your family live. It's a community; many hearts coming together as one. Its a place where it doesnt matter your background, or where you're at now, it's just a place with love and compassion that you can go to no matter what. I worked in a homeless shelter in Colorado. I feel like the men and women I served in that shelter have more of a home than I do. I honestly dont feel like this is my home anymore. Maybe it's because my family has changed so much this last year, and that's made it tough on me. But honestly, the closest thing to a home I've had these last two years, was when I was in San Diego. I never feel more at home than when I'm in that city.
It's been really stressful this last year with parents deciding to get a divorce, them putting the house on the market, them deciding to give it one more shot, taking the house off the market, them trying to work things out and just making the whole thing terribly awkward, James and Juliette and the kids moving to Tulsa, my youngest (but still older than me) brother joining the Marines which will be moving him all over the place, and now him getting married, and the two of them going to be moving wherever he gets stationed. My family is slowly being torn apart. Part of me feels like my parents really arent trying to figure things out and they're just trying to stick together until I move out. It doesnt feel like a home. It feels like an apartment complex where we just pass by each other every day and say hey how are you, and thats it. It's not us connecting, or us being one heart like a family should be.
I'm trying to stay strong and stay in The Word but it's been really hard for me lately. I haven't been able to figure out what I want to read, so I just get frustrated and end up not reading. I want to read and grow, but I have no one here challenging me to do so or helping me figure out what to read. I really wish I could find someone to read the same thing every week with. It's tough when you're friends you actually talk about spiritual stuff live states away so its hard for you to find time to do that with them.
So all in all it's been a tough night. But i've been able to end it with a glass of Champagne with my brother, new sister, and mom and dad, so it ended up being a good end to a night after all...still wish I felt like I was at home though. I miss being home. I feel so homesick. Be praying for me, that this feeling passes, and that I learn to just lean on God in these times when I'm struggling with being homesick, and not knowing where to go next.
In Christ,
Hannah
