I'm going to be honest with you right now...I'm hurting.
I feel so distant from God right now.
I've been falling into sin again, and I've been falling for guys that just keep breaking my heart.
The last two guys I've been interested and have been interested in me have turned into jerks, and I dont know what I did wrong.
I can honestly say, I've never faced much rejection when it's come to guys.
But since the last two have rejected me, it's starting to really hurt.
I know I'm supposed to find my worth in God and not the guys around me,
but I've lived that way for so long it's hard to get out of that.
I dont know what's wrong with me and why I cant just land a great christian guy! I'm surrounded by them every week at church, its just all of them see me as a little sister.
Being put in the sister zone is a heck of a lot worse than the friend zone!
You can get your way out of the friend zone, but not the sister zone!
I dont know why I'm hurting so much from this. I really dont.
I haven't spent time with God in so long, I'm starting to feel it.
I haven't played guitar in months either.
I think what I need to do is first thing tomorrow get up and do a quiet time and just worship.
I need to find my identity in Christ again, because I've lost it.
I decided two years ago after my last relationship that I was going to wait to date until I was in college.
Now that I'm in college and there's no one there, it scares me.
I hate not knowing God's plan sometimes.
Okay...all the time.
I've learned not to make long term plans because God constantly changes them for me.
For example, I thought I knew for a fact I was going to go to Moody Bible Institute in Chicago once I'm done at the community college.
But I'm not so sure anymore.
I love my church so much, and a lot of it happens during the school year.
So if I'm not around during the school year I'm going to miss so much of what my church is doing for the community around it.
I hate the thought of being away during the school year.
So I dont know if I'm going to Moody anymore.
But I also don't feel called to any of the christian school in Missouri.
I know God will work it all out in the end, I just would really love answers now.
I only have one more year left at the community college then I'm transffering.
Where to...I have no idea. I just know that I am.
I know I dont want to go to St Louis Christian College, or Missouri Baptist, or Southwest Baptist.
Then I dont know anything about any of the other christian colleges in Missouri.
I could go to Moody without having to pay for tuition. Only room and board and some student fees.
That would be AMAZING!
No other college offers that, and I know I can't really even afford school.
I'm so stressed right now it's rediculous.
My car is crapping out on me, I wont have money for a new one until next year, I dont know what to do about college, I'm sick of my job and not getting hours, and I'm sick of getting my heart stepped on.
The only thing that's going right in my life right now are my friends.
Laura is amazing, I love that girl to death. She's always by my side and I love it. She brings out the weird in me.
Heather is fantastic too! been friends with her since 7th grade, and I'm so glad I work with her now at walgreens.
Then there's Jeanette...oh Jeanette! I love talking to her about our faith and always leave the conversation saying wow!
Lastly, there's my second family. My church family/Lot Family, they're there when I fall, when I feel down, when I need prayer, and when I just need someone to talk to I can text any one of them and they'll be there in a heartbeat. They don't judge or condemn, they just love and want to help in whatever way they can.
I can honestly say, that I am blessed to have the friends that I do. Although I forget it many times, the time I remember, I cant help but smile and think of how amazing they truly are.
Thank you to my friends for always being there.
The last thing I'm going to leave you with is a song that's been stuck in my head. It's called Drifter by Decemberadio. Its honestly how I feel right now, I'm drifting so far away from God where my home is, and I'm constantly trying to get back.
I used to have a home
A place i started from
A place to call my own
Bright lights and late nights
The devil took me on a midnight ride
Left me out in the desert on my own
Now i feel alone
I need a hand
To help me find my way back home
I'm a drifter out on a dead end road
Trying to find my way back home
To get to you, oh to get to you
Lord i've been gone for far too long
Headed to places i don't belong
And i've got to get back home to you
Sometimes i think about the past
The road that i was on
The one that lead me home
I'll walk on another day
I may wonder but i never stray
Cause i found out the hard way sin don't pay
Now i feel alone
I need a hand
To help me find my way back home
I'm a drifter out on a dead end road
Trying to find my way back home
To get to you, oh to get to you
Lord i've been gone for far too long
Headed to places i don't belong
And i've got to get back home to you
And when i feel the night is closing in
And i can barely breathe the air
I just remember that i've got a friend
Who really cares
Oh who really cares
I'm a drifter out on a dead end road
Trying to find my way back home
To get to you, oh to get to you
Lord i've been gone for far too long
Headed to places i don't belong
And i've got to get back home to you
In Christ,
Hannah
