Have you ever had those moments when you know God is trying to teach you something but you're so upset in that moment you're not sure what he's trying to teach you or why?

Yeah I'm in one of those moments.

The last couple of weeks have been really tough for me. Writing things out like I do on this blog is a way for me to cope with things that I'm not really sure how to cope with otherwise. It helps me think things through in a logical way.

You see, my parents are divorced have been for about a year now. My mom has been dating a guy since right after the divorce was finalized. My dad moved out a year and a half ago, and just recently started dating some lady that lives in Illinois. I was never fond of my mom dating someone, but for some reason I've had a harder time dealing with my dad dating. The only conclusion I can think of as to why is because he moved to Ohio and is now planning on moving to Illinois, BUT he wouldnt stay in Missouri where his own kids were.

As of this weekend, I've been having a harder time with my mom's relationship. See, the guy she's been dating has a brain tumor, he had surgery a while back for it and then went through chemo and radiation treatments. It went away for a little while and came back three times the size. He's scheduled for another surgery in two weeks. He's been wanting to get engaged to my mom for some time now, and they finally got engaged last weekend. He then wanted to get married before his surgery in case he's not in good enough shape after...so the eloped on Saturday night...without telling me...I knew it was soon but wasn't sure when so I get a text while I'm at work saying that they got married...and now my mom can make medical decisions for him when he can't, and she now has health insurance which she did not before, and if they're married for a year before/if he passes away she'll get his pension. Which are all very noble reasons to get married. He wants to be able to take care of her even after/if he passes away. Which is awesome. But I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I never thought I would have a step-dad or step-siblings.

Honestly I feel like my parents are trying to replace our family with new/better ones. I know that's completely ridiculous and I shouldn't think that way, but thats honestly how I feel. I dont want to deal with holidays with the step-family and my dad and his girlfriend and her family. I just dont want to have to deal with that.

Honestly I feel completely alone right now. My best friend got married this summer, and is working full time now as a nanny so I hardly ever get to see her. Another girl friend of mine I recently got back into my life left for school yesterday, and then my only other girl friend here lives across the river and I can never afford to go see her and she works all the time. I'm not in school this semester so I have no one to hang out with.

The guy I've liked for years started to show interest in me, and we talked for a while went out on dates and acted like a couple. We were taking things slow feeling it out seeing if we'd be good together or not. We went to a wedding last night together and on our way home we were talking and he feels like God wants him to really test his feelings for me by backing off for a while and seeing if the feelings are real or not...Honestly this couldnt have been worse timing. After my mom getting married, and my friend leaving for school the thing I needed most was him by my side holding my hand saying everything will be okay and that he's here for me no matter what.

I keep thinking back to Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

It's comforting to know that God is here for me even in these times when I feel alone in everything I'm doing. Knowing that God has promised that he will not leave me or forsake me is an amazing feeling. Though my heart is filled with hurt and my mind is swirling with confusion, I know that God is in control and he will heal my heart and help me know his plan through all of this.

Praying and trusting God right now because that's all I can do....
~Hannah