God, i really want be living for you while i'm in school and working. But i dont know what you want me to do. Honestly, i dont know what you want me to be doing with my life period. Show me the way you want me to go. What you want me to do with my life. I know you want me to do missions, but i feel so blind as to what kind of missions. God i also want to pray right now for the men that are around me every day, and the men that i will get to know in the future. Help them grow in you. And help them become spiritual leaders with their family's and even friends. Guide them in the way you want them to go. God, right now i want to specifically lift up john to you. He's having a rough time with his family, and with leaving for afghanistan in february. Keep him safe and close to you. Thank you God for everything you do for me on a daily basis. Amen.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Work, Weddings, and Home
These last two weeks have been absolutely crazy. Last weekend Erin came in town, which was awesome! We had a blast! Once she left on Sunday I started studying for my final that was on Wednesday (got a B in the class. So excited about that!). I've been working a LOT these last few weeks, which has been really stressful for me with school, and just trying to find time for friends and church. I had to ask off work last minute for today because well...my brother and his fiance got married.
Ellen, my brother's fiance, had been repainting, my brother, Parker's room this week when on Wednesday she gets a call from him saying "I get to come home Friday night. Lets get married on Saturday!" (for those of you who dont know, my brother is in the Marines and has been in San Diego and Virginia the last few months for training) So we got to throw a wedding together in two days. The wedding was this morning, it was beautiful even without much planning. Very small and intimate, but all the close friends and family showed up which was awesome!
Although today was AMAZING, this afternoon/evening have been really tough on me. Part of it is being tired, another part of it is just everything else thats going on in my head. Right now I'm sitting here thinking of what to write, with my eyelids trying to close on me, but me fighting them open, along with fighting back tears. It's really tough to do if I do say so myself. I'm sitting here in my room, thinking about what it really means to have a home. This summer while I was in Colorado I really learned that a home really isnt a house, where you and your family live. It's a community; many hearts coming together as one. Its a place where it doesnt matter your background, or where you're at now, it's just a place with love and compassion that you can go to no matter what. I worked in a homeless shelter in Colorado. I feel like the men and women I served in that shelter have more of a home than I do. I honestly dont feel like this is my home anymore. Maybe it's because my family has changed so much this last year, and that's made it tough on me. But honestly, the closest thing to a home I've had these last two years, was when I was in San Diego. I never feel more at home than when I'm in that city.
It's been really stressful this last year with parents deciding to get a divorce, them putting the house on the market, them deciding to give it one more shot, taking the house off the market, them trying to work things out and just making the whole thing terribly awkward, James and Juliette and the kids moving to Tulsa, my youngest (but still older than me) brother joining the Marines which will be moving him all over the place, and now him getting married, and the two of them going to be moving wherever he gets stationed. My family is slowly being torn apart. Part of me feels like my parents really arent trying to figure things out and they're just trying to stick together until I move out. It doesnt feel like a home. It feels like an apartment complex where we just pass by each other every day and say hey how are you, and thats it. It's not us connecting, or us being one heart like a family should be.
I'm trying to stay strong and stay in The Word but it's been really hard for me lately. I haven't been able to figure out what I want to read, so I just get frustrated and end up not reading. I want to read and grow, but I have no one here challenging me to do so or helping me figure out what to read. I really wish I could find someone to read the same thing every week with. It's tough when you're friends you actually talk about spiritual stuff live states away so its hard for you to find time to do that with them.
So all in all it's been a tough night. But i've been able to end it with a glass of Champagne with my brother, new sister, and mom and dad, so it ended up being a good end to a night after all...still wish I felt like I was at home though. I miss being home. I feel so homesick. Be praying for me, that this feeling passes, and that I learn to just lean on God in these times when I'm struggling with being homesick, and not knowing where to go next.
In Christ,
Hannah
Ellen, my brother's fiance, had been repainting, my brother, Parker's room this week when on Wednesday she gets a call from him saying "I get to come home Friday night. Lets get married on Saturday!" (for those of you who dont know, my brother is in the Marines and has been in San Diego and Virginia the last few months for training) So we got to throw a wedding together in two days. The wedding was this morning, it was beautiful even without much planning. Very small and intimate, but all the close friends and family showed up which was awesome!
Although today was AMAZING, this afternoon/evening have been really tough on me. Part of it is being tired, another part of it is just everything else thats going on in my head. Right now I'm sitting here thinking of what to write, with my eyelids trying to close on me, but me fighting them open, along with fighting back tears. It's really tough to do if I do say so myself. I'm sitting here in my room, thinking about what it really means to have a home. This summer while I was in Colorado I really learned that a home really isnt a house, where you and your family live. It's a community; many hearts coming together as one. Its a place where it doesnt matter your background, or where you're at now, it's just a place with love and compassion that you can go to no matter what. I worked in a homeless shelter in Colorado. I feel like the men and women I served in that shelter have more of a home than I do. I honestly dont feel like this is my home anymore. Maybe it's because my family has changed so much this last year, and that's made it tough on me. But honestly, the closest thing to a home I've had these last two years, was when I was in San Diego. I never feel more at home than when I'm in that city.
It's been really stressful this last year with parents deciding to get a divorce, them putting the house on the market, them deciding to give it one more shot, taking the house off the market, them trying to work things out and just making the whole thing terribly awkward, James and Juliette and the kids moving to Tulsa, my youngest (but still older than me) brother joining the Marines which will be moving him all over the place, and now him getting married, and the two of them going to be moving wherever he gets stationed. My family is slowly being torn apart. Part of me feels like my parents really arent trying to figure things out and they're just trying to stick together until I move out. It doesnt feel like a home. It feels like an apartment complex where we just pass by each other every day and say hey how are you, and thats it. It's not us connecting, or us being one heart like a family should be.
I'm trying to stay strong and stay in The Word but it's been really hard for me lately. I haven't been able to figure out what I want to read, so I just get frustrated and end up not reading. I want to read and grow, but I have no one here challenging me to do so or helping me figure out what to read. I really wish I could find someone to read the same thing every week with. It's tough when you're friends you actually talk about spiritual stuff live states away so its hard for you to find time to do that with them.
So all in all it's been a tough night. But i've been able to end it with a glass of Champagne with my brother, new sister, and mom and dad, so it ended up being a good end to a night after all...still wish I felt like I was at home though. I miss being home. I feel so homesick. Be praying for me, that this feeling passes, and that I learn to just lean on God in these times when I'm struggling with being homesick, and not knowing where to go next.
In Christ,
Hannah
Friday, November 26, 2010
God is so good!
It's been a busy past couple of weeks. I have a job now which keeps me VERY busy along with school. I havent been able to go to church on Sunday's the last three weeks, and we will not be having it this week. Its been tough not being able to see and talk with my Lot Family, and I miss them dearly. It has made for a tough past couple of weeks. Yesterday especially. Yesterday was thanksgiving as all of you know. Every year for thanksgiving my family goes out of town to my grandparents house where we eat and enjoy the company of the whole family. I had to work so I couldnt go. I ended up going to my friend Laura's once I got off because my family wasnt home yet and I didnt want to spend thanksgiving by myself. It was just a crappy day all around.
This last Tuesday I got a call from Erin my best friend on the whole planet, check out her blog at http://erinmcgreevey.blogspot.com/ she's awesome! So anyways, we had been talking about her visiting me for a while, and trying to figure out a way for her to come. She calls me on Tuesday morning and says "guess what?? My dad said I can come, and he's going to pay for my flight as my Christmas present!" So now she is coming in town on the 8th, and I am SO excited for that! So later on Tuesday I go into work to ask off for the dates that she will be in. Come to find out that the schedule through the 10th had already been posted, and I worked the 10th from 12-9. A 9 hour shift when my best friend is coming in town from south carolina....yeah that sucks. I looked to see who wasnt working, that day, the only other person off was Dan, and he has asked off which meant...cant ask him. Which means....I had to work it. needless to say...I wasnt a happy camper.
So onto today, I woke up this morning just in a bad mood, I was really groggy and just wanted to sleep, but I had to go meet my friend Justin for lunch. You see, Justin goes to my church, but he's a truck driver so he's on the road a lot of the time. I hadnt seen him in a couple of months, so I really wanted to go get lunch with him. So I got out of bed, got ready, and went to lunch. Which ended up being a great time to just chat and catch up, found out that him and his accountability partner are in the process of memorizing psalms, which I find amazing! Anyone that can memorize psalms is awesome in my book lol. After lunch I went to work and just wanted to go home and sleep. Found my brother's fiance (who works there as well) and started working with her on putting stuff on shelves. My manager walks up to me later and says "the 8th-12th you asked off, if you cant find anyone to work for you on the 10th then you dont have to come it, we'll be fine without you." I honestly said "seriously?? I can have off that day???? You just freaking made my day!" I was so excited that I was able to get off that day! God is so good! So I was in a really good mood the rest of my shift hanging out and working with Ellen (my brother's fiance), laughing, and talking about the wedding. We got done with everything that needed to go on the shelves, and we went and talked to one of the managers to see if there was anything else that needed to be done and he said "all you have to do is face the back of the store and you're free to go" (btw, "face" means to bring everything on the shelves to the front of the shelf, and this was about 2 hours before I was supposed to get off) so Ellen and I were pretty excited about that, got done with the facing, and clocked out. God knew I was really tired today and just wanted to rest, he also knew that I needed off that one day so I could be with Erin. God has been taking such good care of me these last few weeks, and I just want to say, God is so good! I dont thank God enough for everything he gives me. I dont thank him enough for this job that I have. I dont thank him enough for the time I get with my friends and family. I take it forgranted a lot. I never realized how hard it would be missing thanksgiving with my family, but it was really hard! I just wanted to leave work and go to my grandparents and just hang out with everyone. Dont take your time with your family for granted you never realize how much it means to you until it's gone.
Yesterday, Ross, the guy I worked with this summer in Colorado tagged me in this post on facebook. It was really cool, and really blessed and encouraged me and I want to share it with you all. Ross is an awesome guy who really wants to serve God to the best of his ability. I am constantly encouraged by him, and I am so blessed to have worked with him this summer, and to be able to call him my brother in Christ. Here's what he said:
Later yesterday evening I was just in one of my thinking moods. I'd had a rough couple of days and was seriously wondering about several things.
Did my "friends" really care about me; Am I being thankful enough; How can God accept someone who keeps going back to trash?
Eventually in the span of a few hours, I began believing these lies. It's silly how so easily we forget what we've been given.
I do have friends that care for me. I am an extremely blessed man and I don't even realize it. God does forgive me after I yak up all the garbage that I've indulged myself in.
Until later, I gave in and got on here and looked through my messages and found a friend sending an encouraging verse from Philippians. Philippians 4:7, to be exact. So, I turn to it.
Well, so I thought I did. I started reading a section that spoke about clothing ourselves with Christ. That we should be humble and gracious to those around us. We should kill our flesh of the world.
KILL?
But I like myself too much...
I like being comfortable...
I don't like causing a stir...
How many of us actually would say that they do? Not many. But what I read yesterday made so much sense to me. If I "clothe myself with Christ," then none of my fears would matter. What I think and what other people around me think about me doesn't matter.
What matters is what they see. Do they see Christ on the outside of me?
What's interesting here is that I wasn't actually in Philippians at all. I was in Colossians 4. Obviously God wanted me to read this to remind me of what it is I actually profess myself to be.
Now what's even more interesting is this: The passage in Philippians also came from chapter 4. Only this seemed to be a follow up, an encouragement of sorts.
Philippians 4:7 (NLT) - "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Kinda funny, huh?
Sometimes it amazes me just how amazing God really is...
There ya go. Have a good weekend everyone. Remember God is good, and he will always take care of you whenever you need!
In Christ,
Hannah
This last Tuesday I got a call from Erin my best friend on the whole planet, check out her blog at http://erinmcgreevey.blogspot.com/ she's awesome! So anyways, we had been talking about her visiting me for a while, and trying to figure out a way for her to come. She calls me on Tuesday morning and says "guess what?? My dad said I can come, and he's going to pay for my flight as my Christmas present!" So now she is coming in town on the 8th, and I am SO excited for that! So later on Tuesday I go into work to ask off for the dates that she will be in. Come to find out that the schedule through the 10th had already been posted, and I worked the 10th from 12-9. A 9 hour shift when my best friend is coming in town from south carolina....yeah that sucks. I looked to see who wasnt working, that day, the only other person off was Dan, and he has asked off which meant...cant ask him. Which means....I had to work it. needless to say...I wasnt a happy camper.
So onto today, I woke up this morning just in a bad mood, I was really groggy and just wanted to sleep, but I had to go meet my friend Justin for lunch. You see, Justin goes to my church, but he's a truck driver so he's on the road a lot of the time. I hadnt seen him in a couple of months, so I really wanted to go get lunch with him. So I got out of bed, got ready, and went to lunch. Which ended up being a great time to just chat and catch up, found out that him and his accountability partner are in the process of memorizing psalms, which I find amazing! Anyone that can memorize psalms is awesome in my book lol. After lunch I went to work and just wanted to go home and sleep. Found my brother's fiance (who works there as well) and started working with her on putting stuff on shelves. My manager walks up to me later and says "the 8th-12th you asked off, if you cant find anyone to work for you on the 10th then you dont have to come it, we'll be fine without you." I honestly said "seriously?? I can have off that day???? You just freaking made my day!" I was so excited that I was able to get off that day! God is so good! So I was in a really good mood the rest of my shift hanging out and working with Ellen (my brother's fiance), laughing, and talking about the wedding. We got done with everything that needed to go on the shelves, and we went and talked to one of the managers to see if there was anything else that needed to be done and he said "all you have to do is face the back of the store and you're free to go" (btw, "face" means to bring everything on the shelves to the front of the shelf, and this was about 2 hours before I was supposed to get off) so Ellen and I were pretty excited about that, got done with the facing, and clocked out. God knew I was really tired today and just wanted to rest, he also knew that I needed off that one day so I could be with Erin. God has been taking such good care of me these last few weeks, and I just want to say, God is so good! I dont thank God enough for everything he gives me. I dont thank him enough for this job that I have. I dont thank him enough for the time I get with my friends and family. I take it forgranted a lot. I never realized how hard it would be missing thanksgiving with my family, but it was really hard! I just wanted to leave work and go to my grandparents and just hang out with everyone. Dont take your time with your family for granted you never realize how much it means to you until it's gone.
Yesterday, Ross, the guy I worked with this summer in Colorado tagged me in this post on facebook. It was really cool, and really blessed and encouraged me and I want to share it with you all. Ross is an awesome guy who really wants to serve God to the best of his ability. I am constantly encouraged by him, and I am so blessed to have worked with him this summer, and to be able to call him my brother in Christ. Here's what he said:
Later yesterday evening I was just in one of my thinking moods. I'd had a rough couple of days and was seriously wondering about several things.
Did my "friends" really care about me; Am I being thankful enough; How can God accept someone who keeps going back to trash?
Eventually in the span of a few hours, I began believing these lies. It's silly how so easily we forget what we've been given.
I do have friends that care for me. I am an extremely blessed man and I don't even realize it. God does forgive me after I yak up all the garbage that I've indulged myself in.
Until later, I gave in and got on here and looked through my messages and found a friend sending an encouraging verse from Philippians. Philippians 4:7, to be exact. So, I turn to it.
Well, so I thought I did. I started reading a section that spoke about clothing ourselves with Christ. That we should be humble and gracious to those around us. We should kill our flesh of the world.
KILL?
But I like myself too much...
I like being comfortable...
I don't like causing a stir...
How many of us actually would say that they do? Not many. But what I read yesterday made so much sense to me. If I "clothe myself with Christ," then none of my fears would matter. What I think and what other people around me think about me doesn't matter.
What matters is what they see. Do they see Christ on the outside of me?
What's interesting here is that I wasn't actually in Philippians at all. I was in Colossians 4. Obviously God wanted me to read this to remind me of what it is I actually profess myself to be.
Now what's even more interesting is this: The passage in Philippians also came from chapter 4. Only this seemed to be a follow up, an encouragement of sorts.
Philippians 4:7 (NLT) - "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Kinda funny, huh?
Sometimes it amazes me just how amazing God really is...
There ya go. Have a good weekend everyone. Remember God is good, and he will always take care of you whenever you need!
In Christ,
Hannah
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
It's been a long/interesting/tough/rewarding past couple weeks. Let me explain why.
Two weeks ago my best friend's cousin Jon died in a skydiving accident in Illinois. When it comes to cousins in their family, it's more like brothers and sisters. I knew Jon too, he was a great guy, loved God and wanted to serve God to the best of his ability. I went to the funeral. His family is like my family. It was the toughest funeral I have ever been to. I hated seeing everyone I know and love cry so hard. I had never had my best friend cry on my shoulder so hard. I was able to hold it together at the funeral until I saw and heard Jon's brother Jonah crying. It hurt me to see them hurt that way. That was one of the longest weeks of my life. That's the tough part, the rewarding part is knowing that Jon was a christian, and that he made a huge impact on so many peoples lives while he was here on earth.
Satan has been attacking me and so many people around me that I love. My best friend's family with the death of Jon, and they're afraid that her dad is going to lose her job. My other best friend Erin, one of her friends from highschool died in his sleep last week, and her mom almost died in a car accident, and so many other stuff is going on with her. Also my mom has two friends from highschool and both of them had a kid die the same week as Jon. It's so hard hearing about all of this thats going on. If you havent read Erin's blog, go do so. She's such and encouragement to me, and I'm sure she would be to you too. http://erinmcgreevey.blogspot.com/ I had the pleasure of skyping with Erin today. She lives in South Carolina so it's one of our only ways to communicate. I love talking to this girl, hearing how God is working in her life, and how she's constantly growing is amazing to hear! She's such a wonderful, beautiful, christ-like woman. I love her to death. I cannot wait to be reunited with her.
God's been teaching me a lot this week too. I have my covenant now that I can sign and become a member at the church I've been going to. There's so much on here that will definitely help me grow, but at this point in time I dont know if I'm at the point where I can sign this and follow it. I'm trying to get my heart right before I sign this paper, a covenant is different than a contract. Contracts can be broke, covenants cannot. At least in my opinion, which is why I want to get my heart right before I sign it. Which God has been definitely doing. I'm still failing time and time again, but its getting better in time.
I've been praying for months for God to reveal to me where he wanted me to work. I thought it was brunswick zone but as it turns out, the job I would want there I have to be 18 for. I dont turn 18 until January. I need money now lol. So I was just praying that God would reveal to me where to work. Well I got a phone call yesterday from my soon-to-be-sister-in-law saying that her work was looking for more people (Walgreens, not the best job in the world, but something that would do) I said I'd apply and try it out. Well I had my interview today, and I got the job! I'm even getting payed 25 cents more than normal! Once I turn 18 and I can trained in the photo department then I'll get another raise! God is so good! Now it's time to start working, and pay my bills, and start saving for a car and school!
Everything happens in God's timing. Not my own. I've been praying that God would reveal to me where he wants me to go. I still have no idea where that is. I'm going to be applying to many colleges, and I'm just going to say whichever one I get accepted to and I can afford, I'll go there lol. My dream school right now is Moody Bible Institute. They have free tuition for mission majors, so all I'd have to pay is room and board and student fees, which would be GREAT! My second choice at this very moment is North Greenvile University in South Carolina. It's expensive, but I think I could do it as long as I get enough scholarships. My third choice is Oklahoma Baptist University. It's VERY expensive, but it's a lot closer to these cutie pies:
It's so hard being so far away from them. But I know their mommy and daddy are doing what God has called them to do, and I applaud them for that :) I get to see these kiddos this weekend, and I cannot wait! I'm just scared I'm going to end up having to work.
I've stopped playing guitar for the most part, and I'm starting to get really bummed out about it. I really do miss playing, it's just I have no where to play, and I have to much to do to just sit and play. Yesterday and today I did just sit and play for a little while, but not very much. Since I'm not taking lessons I'm not constantly practicing.
Anyways, yeah, that's whats up. lol. Be praying for my relationship with my dad, this job, and please keep Mike Peppers in your prayers. I believe I've mentioned him on here before, but if I havent then go read my Colorado blog and I know he's mentioned in there. http://hannahcoloradotrip.blogspot.com/
In Christ,
Hannah
Two weeks ago my best friend's cousin Jon died in a skydiving accident in Illinois. When it comes to cousins in their family, it's more like brothers and sisters. I knew Jon too, he was a great guy, loved God and wanted to serve God to the best of his ability. I went to the funeral. His family is like my family. It was the toughest funeral I have ever been to. I hated seeing everyone I know and love cry so hard. I had never had my best friend cry on my shoulder so hard. I was able to hold it together at the funeral until I saw and heard Jon's brother Jonah crying. It hurt me to see them hurt that way. That was one of the longest weeks of my life. That's the tough part, the rewarding part is knowing that Jon was a christian, and that he made a huge impact on so many peoples lives while he was here on earth.
Satan has been attacking me and so many people around me that I love. My best friend's family with the death of Jon, and they're afraid that her dad is going to lose her job. My other best friend Erin, one of her friends from highschool died in his sleep last week, and her mom almost died in a car accident, and so many other stuff is going on with her. Also my mom has two friends from highschool and both of them had a kid die the same week as Jon. It's so hard hearing about all of this thats going on. If you havent read Erin's blog, go do so. She's such and encouragement to me, and I'm sure she would be to you too. http://erinmcgreevey.blogspot.com/ I had the pleasure of skyping with Erin today. She lives in South Carolina so it's one of our only ways to communicate. I love talking to this girl, hearing how God is working in her life, and how she's constantly growing is amazing to hear! She's such a wonderful, beautiful, christ-like woman. I love her to death. I cannot wait to be reunited with her.
God's been teaching me a lot this week too. I have my covenant now that I can sign and become a member at the church I've been going to. There's so much on here that will definitely help me grow, but at this point in time I dont know if I'm at the point where I can sign this and follow it. I'm trying to get my heart right before I sign this paper, a covenant is different than a contract. Contracts can be broke, covenants cannot. At least in my opinion, which is why I want to get my heart right before I sign it. Which God has been definitely doing. I'm still failing time and time again, but its getting better in time.
I've been praying for months for God to reveal to me where he wanted me to work. I thought it was brunswick zone but as it turns out, the job I would want there I have to be 18 for. I dont turn 18 until January. I need money now lol. So I was just praying that God would reveal to me where to work. Well I got a phone call yesterday from my soon-to-be-sister-in-law saying that her work was looking for more people (Walgreens, not the best job in the world, but something that would do) I said I'd apply and try it out. Well I had my interview today, and I got the job! I'm even getting payed 25 cents more than normal! Once I turn 18 and I can trained in the photo department then I'll get another raise! God is so good! Now it's time to start working, and pay my bills, and start saving for a car and school!
Everything happens in God's timing. Not my own. I've been praying that God would reveal to me where he wants me to go. I still have no idea where that is. I'm going to be applying to many colleges, and I'm just going to say whichever one I get accepted to and I can afford, I'll go there lol. My dream school right now is Moody Bible Institute. They have free tuition for mission majors, so all I'd have to pay is room and board and student fees, which would be GREAT! My second choice at this very moment is North Greenvile University in South Carolina. It's expensive, but I think I could do it as long as I get enough scholarships. My third choice is Oklahoma Baptist University. It's VERY expensive, but it's a lot closer to these cutie pies:
I've stopped playing guitar for the most part, and I'm starting to get really bummed out about it. I really do miss playing, it's just I have no where to play, and I have to much to do to just sit and play. Yesterday and today I did just sit and play for a little while, but not very much. Since I'm not taking lessons I'm not constantly practicing.
Anyways, yeah, that's whats up. lol. Be praying for my relationship with my dad, this job, and please keep Mike Peppers in your prayers. I believe I've mentioned him on here before, but if I havent then go read my Colorado blog and I know he's mentioned in there. http://hannahcoloradotrip.blogspot.com/
In Christ,
Hannah
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tough day
Today has been a really tough day for me. This morning I got in a really bad argument with my dad. He even threatened to kick me out of the house. The argument started when I asked my dad how I was getting to class because I had no gas in the van, from going to class and church. All the gas I have been using is from money my friends give me for just that when we hang out and I drive, and I hadnt given any friends rides all weekend so I had no gas. He took that as me assuming he was going to give me gas money, when in reality I was just asking him how I was getting to class whether he could take me, or if I had to find a ride or what. Yes I agree that I could have worded it better, but thats not what I was meaning at all. So I was in a bad mood all day, only good parts of my day was getting a 40/40 on my Soc. paper about Christianity as a sub culture, talking to my friend Erin who lives in South Carolina, she always makes my days better :), and lastly church.
Church really helped me tonight. I knew it was going to. Today I spent probably 97% of it in tears. I was so upset about everything that went on with my dad, that every time I thought of it I ended up in tears or tearing up. Tonight at church, I almost ended up in tears again. At the end of the sermon Marc said that in times of struggle we shouldnt go to the substance, the person, because they will let us down, but instead we need to run to Christ because he will never let us down. He told us to continue this once we got home. He told us to go into our rooms and just run to God, whatever that looked like to us. So I got home, came in my room and just put my face to the ground and started praying and crying to God. I rededicated my life to God tonight. I havent been running to Him for the things I've needed, I've ran to other people instead. Tonight my life is changed. It's still hard of course. Thats just life, but now instead of running to people and substance, I'm going to run to God.
In my last blog I showed you that song, that song is also a psalm. Psalm 51. In February I am planning on getting a tattoo. It was going to be music notes on my side. Now I'm thinking of something out of Psalm 51 that is also in that song. I'm going to edit some pictures with different fonts and stuff of it, and I'll post pictures on here and I want you to tell me which verse and font you like the best.
God is so good, he takes care of you when you need to be taken care of. Dont be running towards those lower case god's but be running to the one and only upper case God.
~Hannah
Church really helped me tonight. I knew it was going to. Today I spent probably 97% of it in tears. I was so upset about everything that went on with my dad, that every time I thought of it I ended up in tears or tearing up. Tonight at church, I almost ended up in tears again. At the end of the sermon Marc said that in times of struggle we shouldnt go to the substance, the person, because they will let us down, but instead we need to run to Christ because he will never let us down. He told us to continue this once we got home. He told us to go into our rooms and just run to God, whatever that looked like to us. So I got home, came in my room and just put my face to the ground and started praying and crying to God. I rededicated my life to God tonight. I havent been running to Him for the things I've needed, I've ran to other people instead. Tonight my life is changed. It's still hard of course. Thats just life, but now instead of running to people and substance, I'm going to run to God.
In my last blog I showed you that song, that song is also a psalm. Psalm 51. In February I am planning on getting a tattoo. It was going to be music notes on my side. Now I'm thinking of something out of Psalm 51 that is also in that song. I'm going to edit some pictures with different fonts and stuff of it, and I'll post pictures on here and I want you to tell me which verse and font you like the best.
God is so good, he takes care of you when you need to be taken care of. Dont be running towards those lower case god's but be running to the one and only upper case God.
~Hannah
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My prayer tonight
My prayer tonight is this. It's a part of a Psalm that Jon Foreman (from Switchfoot) has taken and put into a song.
Have mercy on me, oh God
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions
Create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation
The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart
Against You and You alone have I sinned
Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
I fell on my face this evening, and this is what I prayed, and am still praying, and will continue to pray. Its asking God to restore me. I want God to restore me.
"God I want you to create in me a clean heart. I want you to make my heart pure, for you to wash me white as snow. So I can be whole again. Would you please blot out my transgressions, everything I've done against you. Please, God, restore in me the joy of my salvation I once had so long ago. God, I'm so tired of filling my life with things other than you. I'm tired of having this bitterness. God, I need you to take all of this away. I need you to restore in me how I once was. God, I want you to be my satisfaction. Not all these worldly things, that will pass away, but you! You will never pass away. Please God I need your hand in mine. I need you to guide me every day I live. Help me to live, love and share you. To live for you, do everything in my power to honor you, and learn more about you. To love you. God I have all these god's in my life, that is not the true God. Help me not to love these god's, but to love THE God. To Share you God. I want to help further your kingdom. Use me in whatever way you choose. I'm willing to go. Wash me white as snow God, so I can be made whole. Would you please oh God create in me a clean heart, and restore in me the joy of YOUR salvation, that you GIVE to me. I didnt do anything to earn your love and salvation, but you gave it to me anyway. Thank you Father"
Have mercy on me, oh God
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions
Create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation
The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart
Against You and You alone have I sinned
Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
I fell on my face this evening, and this is what I prayed, and am still praying, and will continue to pray. Its asking God to restore me. I want God to restore me.
"God I want you to create in me a clean heart. I want you to make my heart pure, for you to wash me white as snow. So I can be whole again. Would you please blot out my transgressions, everything I've done against you. Please, God, restore in me the joy of my salvation I once had so long ago. God, I'm so tired of filling my life with things other than you. I'm tired of having this bitterness. God, I need you to take all of this away. I need you to restore in me how I once was. God, I want you to be my satisfaction. Not all these worldly things, that will pass away, but you! You will never pass away. Please God I need your hand in mine. I need you to guide me every day I live. Help me to live, love and share you. To live for you, do everything in my power to honor you, and learn more about you. To love you. God I have all these god's in my life, that is not the true God. Help me not to love these god's, but to love THE God. To Share you God. I want to help further your kingdom. Use me in whatever way you choose. I'm willing to go. Wash me white as snow God, so I can be made whole. Would you please oh God create in me a clean heart, and restore in me the joy of YOUR salvation, that you GIVE to me. I didnt do anything to earn your love and salvation, but you gave it to me anyway. Thank you Father"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Anxiety, Struggles, and Quizes
This has just kinda become my journal lately. A lot of the posts I havent been posting tho, just saving for myself so I can go back and read them later.
I had a bit of a breakdown this evening. I hadn't had one in a long time, and I just got so frustrated that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I hate having breakdowns because I cant control it when it happens. I got so stressed about school, and this quiz I took and didn't do very well on, then there's so many things in my life right now that I'm trying to change, I just got way to overwhelmed and couldn't hold it in any longer. I stopped what I was doing (which was reading my Sociology book that I had to read for tomorrows class), and just prayed saying, "God, I can't do this anymore without you. I'm giving it over to you, God. I'm trying to change these things in my life so I can be closer to you, but it's times like these it's so hard for me. I need you to guide me, and to help me. I need you to give me the strength, knowledge, patience, and the attention span to do this. Please Father just help me be the best I can be. Help me not to be lazy in this time where I'm trying to learn more. God, I know I haven't been a very good student in the past, and have just weaseled my way through highschool, but, God, now I'm trying to be serious about school, and want to learn. Please just give me the strength to continue through it."
God has recently shown me some places in my life I've been at fault. Which I'm going to be honest on here about what all those things are, which is very hard for me considering I have never publicly said what these struggles are that I'm trying to change.
Firstly, and the biggest one for me is lust, I've been struggling with lust for over a year now, which you have no idea how hard that is for me to admit, but every day is getting better, and I know that for my future husband it is something I need to work on.
Secondly, I've been struggling with my language. I've had a problem with cussing for along time. If I said that to even my best friend they'd be like "really?" because I don't cuss around other people very often. When I'm by myself is when it's the worst, which is just as bad as when I'm with people.
Third, I've been really bitter against some people in my life. Including a church that was a huge part of getting me in my spiritual walk where I am today, and I really hate to say it, but I've been really bitter towards my dad. We'll have conversations, and it just makes me mad when he says some of the stuff he says. Which makes me disrespect him too.
And lastly, I've been struggling with laziness. I've needed to go out and get a job for a while now, but just have NOT wanted to do the work to get it. I also have not wanted to do my school work and wait until last minute to do it. I dont study hard enough, or even care if I get what I'm learning. I just want to get it over with.
It's really hard for me to admit all of that on such a public place that my family could read. But it's something I feel I really need to put out there. Yes I know it's really no ones business but my own, but if I dont put it out there, I dont know how I'll be able to overcome it. Because now, I can come here and talk about how I'm doing with it, what God is teaching me through it, and who I'm meeting that is struggling with the same things I am. Over the last few years I've struggled with depression, falling in and out of it. Lately I've fallen back in, and I'm really hoping that these next few months of me working on my relationship with Christ, I can turn my focus back on him, and serving him with everything I have, and that will help. I think that might be why I've struggled with anxiety lately too. Because I haven't given everything to Christ. I've been holding onto certain things, things I shouldn't hold onto. Please be praying for me as I try to overcome these struggles. It's very hard for me at times.
In Christ,
Hannah
I had a bit of a breakdown this evening. I hadn't had one in a long time, and I just got so frustrated that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I hate having breakdowns because I cant control it when it happens. I got so stressed about school, and this quiz I took and didn't do very well on, then there's so many things in my life right now that I'm trying to change, I just got way to overwhelmed and couldn't hold it in any longer. I stopped what I was doing (which was reading my Sociology book that I had to read for tomorrows class), and just prayed saying, "God, I can't do this anymore without you. I'm giving it over to you, God. I'm trying to change these things in my life so I can be closer to you, but it's times like these it's so hard for me. I need you to guide me, and to help me. I need you to give me the strength, knowledge, patience, and the attention span to do this. Please Father just help me be the best I can be. Help me not to be lazy in this time where I'm trying to learn more. God, I know I haven't been a very good student in the past, and have just weaseled my way through highschool, but, God, now I'm trying to be serious about school, and want to learn. Please just give me the strength to continue through it."
God has recently shown me some places in my life I've been at fault. Which I'm going to be honest on here about what all those things are, which is very hard for me considering I have never publicly said what these struggles are that I'm trying to change.
Firstly, and the biggest one for me is lust, I've been struggling with lust for over a year now, which you have no idea how hard that is for me to admit, but every day is getting better, and I know that for my future husband it is something I need to work on.
Secondly, I've been struggling with my language. I've had a problem with cussing for along time. If I said that to even my best friend they'd be like "really?" because I don't cuss around other people very often. When I'm by myself is when it's the worst, which is just as bad as when I'm with people.
Third, I've been really bitter against some people in my life. Including a church that was a huge part of getting me in my spiritual walk where I am today, and I really hate to say it, but I've been really bitter towards my dad. We'll have conversations, and it just makes me mad when he says some of the stuff he says. Which makes me disrespect him too.
And lastly, I've been struggling with laziness. I've needed to go out and get a job for a while now, but just have NOT wanted to do the work to get it. I also have not wanted to do my school work and wait until last minute to do it. I dont study hard enough, or even care if I get what I'm learning. I just want to get it over with.
It's really hard for me to admit all of that on such a public place that my family could read. But it's something I feel I really need to put out there. Yes I know it's really no ones business but my own, but if I dont put it out there, I dont know how I'll be able to overcome it. Because now, I can come here and talk about how I'm doing with it, what God is teaching me through it, and who I'm meeting that is struggling with the same things I am. Over the last few years I've struggled with depression, falling in and out of it. Lately I've fallen back in, and I'm really hoping that these next few months of me working on my relationship with Christ, I can turn my focus back on him, and serving him with everything I have, and that will help. I think that might be why I've struggled with anxiety lately too. Because I haven't given everything to Christ. I've been holding onto certain things, things I shouldn't hold onto. Please be praying for me as I try to overcome these struggles. It's very hard for me at times.
In Christ,
Hannah
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