My prayer tonight is this. It's a part of a Psalm that Jon Foreman (from Switchfoot) has taken and put into a song.
Have mercy on me, oh God
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions
Create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation
The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart
Against You and You alone have I sinned
Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
I fell on my face this evening, and this is what I prayed, and am still praying, and will continue to pray. Its asking God to restore me. I want God to restore me.
"God I want you to create in me a clean heart. I want you to make my heart pure, for you to wash me white as snow. So I can be whole again. Would you please blot out my transgressions, everything I've done against you. Please, God, restore in me the joy of my salvation I once had so long ago. God, I'm so tired of filling my life with things other than you. I'm tired of having this bitterness. God, I need you to take all of this away. I need you to restore in me how I once was. God, I want you to be my satisfaction. Not all these worldly things, that will pass away, but you! You will never pass away. Please God I need your hand in mine. I need you to guide me every day I live. Help me to live, love and share you. To live for you, do everything in my power to honor you, and learn more about you. To love you. God I have all these god's in my life, that is not the true God. Help me not to love these god's, but to love THE God. To Share you God. I want to help further your kingdom. Use me in whatever way you choose. I'm willing to go. Wash me white as snow God, so I can be made whole. Would you please oh God create in me a clean heart, and restore in me the joy of YOUR salvation, that you GIVE to me. I didnt do anything to earn your love and salvation, but you gave it to me anyway. Thank you Father"
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Anxiety, Struggles, and Quizes
This has just kinda become my journal lately. A lot of the posts I havent been posting tho, just saving for myself so I can go back and read them later.
I had a bit of a breakdown this evening. I hadn't had one in a long time, and I just got so frustrated that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I hate having breakdowns because I cant control it when it happens. I got so stressed about school, and this quiz I took and didn't do very well on, then there's so many things in my life right now that I'm trying to change, I just got way to overwhelmed and couldn't hold it in any longer. I stopped what I was doing (which was reading my Sociology book that I had to read for tomorrows class), and just prayed saying, "God, I can't do this anymore without you. I'm giving it over to you, God. I'm trying to change these things in my life so I can be closer to you, but it's times like these it's so hard for me. I need you to guide me, and to help me. I need you to give me the strength, knowledge, patience, and the attention span to do this. Please Father just help me be the best I can be. Help me not to be lazy in this time where I'm trying to learn more. God, I know I haven't been a very good student in the past, and have just weaseled my way through highschool, but, God, now I'm trying to be serious about school, and want to learn. Please just give me the strength to continue through it."
God has recently shown me some places in my life I've been at fault. Which I'm going to be honest on here about what all those things are, which is very hard for me considering I have never publicly said what these struggles are that I'm trying to change.
Firstly, and the biggest one for me is lust, I've been struggling with lust for over a year now, which you have no idea how hard that is for me to admit, but every day is getting better, and I know that for my future husband it is something I need to work on.
Secondly, I've been struggling with my language. I've had a problem with cussing for along time. If I said that to even my best friend they'd be like "really?" because I don't cuss around other people very often. When I'm by myself is when it's the worst, which is just as bad as when I'm with people.
Third, I've been really bitter against some people in my life. Including a church that was a huge part of getting me in my spiritual walk where I am today, and I really hate to say it, but I've been really bitter towards my dad. We'll have conversations, and it just makes me mad when he says some of the stuff he says. Which makes me disrespect him too.
And lastly, I've been struggling with laziness. I've needed to go out and get a job for a while now, but just have NOT wanted to do the work to get it. I also have not wanted to do my school work and wait until last minute to do it. I dont study hard enough, or even care if I get what I'm learning. I just want to get it over with.
It's really hard for me to admit all of that on such a public place that my family could read. But it's something I feel I really need to put out there. Yes I know it's really no ones business but my own, but if I dont put it out there, I dont know how I'll be able to overcome it. Because now, I can come here and talk about how I'm doing with it, what God is teaching me through it, and who I'm meeting that is struggling with the same things I am. Over the last few years I've struggled with depression, falling in and out of it. Lately I've fallen back in, and I'm really hoping that these next few months of me working on my relationship with Christ, I can turn my focus back on him, and serving him with everything I have, and that will help. I think that might be why I've struggled with anxiety lately too. Because I haven't given everything to Christ. I've been holding onto certain things, things I shouldn't hold onto. Please be praying for me as I try to overcome these struggles. It's very hard for me at times.
In Christ,
Hannah
I had a bit of a breakdown this evening. I hadn't had one in a long time, and I just got so frustrated that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I hate having breakdowns because I cant control it when it happens. I got so stressed about school, and this quiz I took and didn't do very well on, then there's so many things in my life right now that I'm trying to change, I just got way to overwhelmed and couldn't hold it in any longer. I stopped what I was doing (which was reading my Sociology book that I had to read for tomorrows class), and just prayed saying, "God, I can't do this anymore without you. I'm giving it over to you, God. I'm trying to change these things in my life so I can be closer to you, but it's times like these it's so hard for me. I need you to guide me, and to help me. I need you to give me the strength, knowledge, patience, and the attention span to do this. Please Father just help me be the best I can be. Help me not to be lazy in this time where I'm trying to learn more. God, I know I haven't been a very good student in the past, and have just weaseled my way through highschool, but, God, now I'm trying to be serious about school, and want to learn. Please just give me the strength to continue through it."
God has recently shown me some places in my life I've been at fault. Which I'm going to be honest on here about what all those things are, which is very hard for me considering I have never publicly said what these struggles are that I'm trying to change.
Firstly, and the biggest one for me is lust, I've been struggling with lust for over a year now, which you have no idea how hard that is for me to admit, but every day is getting better, and I know that for my future husband it is something I need to work on.
Secondly, I've been struggling with my language. I've had a problem with cussing for along time. If I said that to even my best friend they'd be like "really?" because I don't cuss around other people very often. When I'm by myself is when it's the worst, which is just as bad as when I'm with people.
Third, I've been really bitter against some people in my life. Including a church that was a huge part of getting me in my spiritual walk where I am today, and I really hate to say it, but I've been really bitter towards my dad. We'll have conversations, and it just makes me mad when he says some of the stuff he says. Which makes me disrespect him too.
And lastly, I've been struggling with laziness. I've needed to go out and get a job for a while now, but just have NOT wanted to do the work to get it. I also have not wanted to do my school work and wait until last minute to do it. I dont study hard enough, or even care if I get what I'm learning. I just want to get it over with.
It's really hard for me to admit all of that on such a public place that my family could read. But it's something I feel I really need to put out there. Yes I know it's really no ones business but my own, but if I dont put it out there, I dont know how I'll be able to overcome it. Because now, I can come here and talk about how I'm doing with it, what God is teaching me through it, and who I'm meeting that is struggling with the same things I am. Over the last few years I've struggled with depression, falling in and out of it. Lately I've fallen back in, and I'm really hoping that these next few months of me working on my relationship with Christ, I can turn my focus back on him, and serving him with everything I have, and that will help. I think that might be why I've struggled with anxiety lately too. Because I haven't given everything to Christ. I've been holding onto certain things, things I shouldn't hold onto. Please be praying for me as I try to overcome these struggles. It's very hard for me at times.
In Christ,
Hannah
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Colorado bound!
So this will probably be my last blog on here for two months. I leave Monday for Colorado to be a Sojourner Missionary. I started a new blog though so I will be posting on that. The link is HannahColoradoTrip.Blogspot.com So check that out regularly to see if I update. I will try to get an update out once a week, I did that last summer, and it seemed to work pretty well. I'll also give you the link to my facebook group where I will be posting photos, maybe some videos, and a few other things. That link is http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/group.php?gid=106962962682565
So request to be in the group, and I'll most likely accept. I just wanna make sure you're not a creepy stalker ;) hahaha. Anyways, I'm really looking forward to seeing what God teaches me this summer in beautiful Colorado. He's taught me so much these last few months. The latest thing he's taught me is that he does everything in His timing, not mine. I had been praying for 9 months for God to heal my family, and the prayer didnt get answered until now. It's all in His timing, not ours. I hope everyone has a great summer, and keep checking my other blog for updates :)
In Christ,
Hannah
So request to be in the group, and I'll most likely accept. I just wanna make sure you're not a creepy stalker ;) hahaha. Anyways, I'm really looking forward to seeing what God teaches me this summer in beautiful Colorado. He's taught me so much these last few months. The latest thing he's taught me is that he does everything in His timing, not mine. I had been praying for 9 months for God to heal my family, and the prayer didnt get answered until now. It's all in His timing, not ours. I hope everyone has a great summer, and keep checking my other blog for updates :)
In Christ,
Hannah
Thursday, May 13, 2010
A lot has been going on lately, and it has shown me how good God really is. Life has been really stressful these last few months for multiple reasons. Parents divorce, selling the house, and trying to figure out if I was going to do anything this summer. God has been so good at answering my prayers that I have been praying for months now.
My parents have decided to try counseling one last time before they completely give up. The stressful part of that was that we had a contract on the house by the time they decided to do that. We needed something to happen for the contract not to go through, but couldnt afford buying out the contract, and had no idea what we were going to do. After the inspection they had asked us to fix some stuff, and my parents declined that, and they had 10 days to reply if they wanted it or not. 10 days was yesterday and they never got back as far as we know. If they can prove that they sent or tried to send in their thing saying they wanted it, then the contract is still valid, BUT if they cant prove it then we can bail out of the contract with no problems.
All of this takes a great deal of stress off of my shoulders for the time being. As long as everything happens to where the contract is no longer legal, I am going to be so relieved!
I leave in 18 days for Colorado as a Sojourner missionary for two months!!! I am so excited to see what God teaches me this summer! Last night while i was laying in bed, I was thinking "maybe I shouldnt go this summer. There's so much happening with moving, james and juliette having their baby, maybe I shouldnt go." God answered that today, saying hey! Here's one thing you wont have to worry about! I can go see my niece after I get home, so that wont be anything to worry about.
These next few weeks I was going to be so stressed out because of everything. Packing up everything in my room, getting ready for Spring Formal in 9 days, then Graduation in 16 days, graduation party in 17 days, and leaving for Colorado in 18 days...was not going to be a fun time. But God gave me peace with it last night at church, and today I understand why.
There's now only one more thing for me to write about right now, and it's to ask you for prayer for a good friend of mine. He has so much going on right now in his life that is just really taking a toll on him. I was talking to him two days ago on the phone, and I could hear the pain in his voice, and on multiple occasions it almost brought me to tears. He is in so much physical pain right now from a surgery, and from another accident that happened a few days ago. He cant get any medicine that he needs until Friday because of some misunderstanding with his doctor. His family and church family have turned completely against him because of his past. They say he's not worthy enough to be in church, but in God's eyes anyone and everyone is welcome in the church, no matter what walk of life they're in. You cant judge someone because of their past. That's not right. it's in the past, leave it there. Please be praying for him. He told me on Tuesday that he feels like he suffered less doing bad, than he does doing good. He told me he's so sick of suffering like this, he's just ready for his prayers to be answered. He's been suffering for two years now with his family and church family. The physical pain has just started here in the last month. Be praying for physical healing for him, and healing in his family and church family. I've been praying constantly for him this last week, and every time I do, it brings me to tears thinking abut everything he's having to deal with. Keep him in his prayers, and continue to keep me in your prayers as I try to comfort him through this, pray that God gives me the words to say to him in these times of suffering.
In Christ,
Hannah
My parents have decided to try counseling one last time before they completely give up. The stressful part of that was that we had a contract on the house by the time they decided to do that. We needed something to happen for the contract not to go through, but couldnt afford buying out the contract, and had no idea what we were going to do. After the inspection they had asked us to fix some stuff, and my parents declined that, and they had 10 days to reply if they wanted it or not. 10 days was yesterday and they never got back as far as we know. If they can prove that they sent or tried to send in their thing saying they wanted it, then the contract is still valid, BUT if they cant prove it then we can bail out of the contract with no problems.
All of this takes a great deal of stress off of my shoulders for the time being. As long as everything happens to where the contract is no longer legal, I am going to be so relieved!
I leave in 18 days for Colorado as a Sojourner missionary for two months!!! I am so excited to see what God teaches me this summer! Last night while i was laying in bed, I was thinking "maybe I shouldnt go this summer. There's so much happening with moving, james and juliette having their baby, maybe I shouldnt go." God answered that today, saying hey! Here's one thing you wont have to worry about! I can go see my niece after I get home, so that wont be anything to worry about.
These next few weeks I was going to be so stressed out because of everything. Packing up everything in my room, getting ready for Spring Formal in 9 days, then Graduation in 16 days, graduation party in 17 days, and leaving for Colorado in 18 days...was not going to be a fun time. But God gave me peace with it last night at church, and today I understand why.
There's now only one more thing for me to write about right now, and it's to ask you for prayer for a good friend of mine. He has so much going on right now in his life that is just really taking a toll on him. I was talking to him two days ago on the phone, and I could hear the pain in his voice, and on multiple occasions it almost brought me to tears. He is in so much physical pain right now from a surgery, and from another accident that happened a few days ago. He cant get any medicine that he needs until Friday because of some misunderstanding with his doctor. His family and church family have turned completely against him because of his past. They say he's not worthy enough to be in church, but in God's eyes anyone and everyone is welcome in the church, no matter what walk of life they're in. You cant judge someone because of their past. That's not right. it's in the past, leave it there. Please be praying for him. He told me on Tuesday that he feels like he suffered less doing bad, than he does doing good. He told me he's so sick of suffering like this, he's just ready for his prayers to be answered. He's been suffering for two years now with his family and church family. The physical pain has just started here in the last month. Be praying for physical healing for him, and healing in his family and church family. I've been praying constantly for him this last week, and every time I do, it brings me to tears thinking abut everything he's having to deal with. Keep him in his prayers, and continue to keep me in your prayers as I try to comfort him through this, pray that God gives me the words to say to him in these times of suffering.
In Christ,
Hannah
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Today was the first time since the week my parents told us about the divorce that i cried about it. i hate not knowing why and my dad saying its none of our business when it is. my dad said that yesterday and it really upset me. He said if i asked him and if i asked my mom why it would be two different answers but i'd rather hear both sides than not know anything of why. its been a tough last few days, and i'm ready for this all to be over with. I hope this texting thing works.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I was talking to a friend last night, and I got reminded of something from when I was around 8 years old, that I really wanted to share with you guys that is totally a God thing.
When I was 8 we had a bunch of missionaries come to my church telling us about their missions, and all of that good stuff. I accepted Christ when I was 7, and I thought it was so cool that I was meeting people that went out and shared the Gospel with people all around the world. That week or weekend or however long it was that they were there, I talked to one couple, I dont have any idea who they are anymore, but I do remember one thing. I remember telling them "I want to be a missionary. I think thats what God wants me to do" and I forgot about that before last night. I was telling my friend about how I felt like what God wants me to do is missions, and that is why I am going on these summer trips. And he told me "but then you dont get to see any of your friends that live out of town" and I was just like "thats very true, but this is what I am going to be doing the rest of my life, and I want to get better at it every chance I get." and then I went on and told him about that story of when i was 8. He was like "wow thats awesome. I'm glad that you're following God's will. I'm just sad I wont get to see you this summer."
It is SO tough leaving for a whole summer, and not being able to visit my out of town friends, that I normally dont get to visit because of us being in school. But I also know that God has a plan for everything, and that I shouldnt go against his will.
One of the places I applied for this summer is Silverthorne Colorado it's about an hour and a half west of Denver, and I just recently found out, that one of my really good friends from last summer who was on my team, applied for the same place. I'm so excited to see if we get put together. If we do, I'm going to be wowed by God, and am going to be so happy! Also, my really good friend/mentor/brother (not really brother, but I consider him family), Jeff, is going to be spending his summer in Colorado. SO I might get to see him when I otherwise wouldnt. I'm so excited to see where God takes me this summer, and where he takes me in life! I'm hoping one day to go back to San Diego, and anywhere else in the US that I feel needs help. I have such a huge love for San Diego and the people there because they do need Christ so badly! It's a beautiful city with beaches, mountians, city, and the desert. I was so blessed to be there for two months last summer, and cannot wait to get back!
Thats what God has been revealing to me lately, I have a lot more to say, but I have to get going. We have a showing at 5:30 and I need to clean my room.
With much love, and in christ,
Hannah
When I was 8 we had a bunch of missionaries come to my church telling us about their missions, and all of that good stuff. I accepted Christ when I was 7, and I thought it was so cool that I was meeting people that went out and shared the Gospel with people all around the world. That week or weekend or however long it was that they were there, I talked to one couple, I dont have any idea who they are anymore, but I do remember one thing. I remember telling them "I want to be a missionary. I think thats what God wants me to do" and I forgot about that before last night. I was telling my friend about how I felt like what God wants me to do is missions, and that is why I am going on these summer trips. And he told me "but then you dont get to see any of your friends that live out of town" and I was just like "thats very true, but this is what I am going to be doing the rest of my life, and I want to get better at it every chance I get." and then I went on and told him about that story of when i was 8. He was like "wow thats awesome. I'm glad that you're following God's will. I'm just sad I wont get to see you this summer."
It is SO tough leaving for a whole summer, and not being able to visit my out of town friends, that I normally dont get to visit because of us being in school. But I also know that God has a plan for everything, and that I shouldnt go against his will.
One of the places I applied for this summer is Silverthorne Colorado it's about an hour and a half west of Denver, and I just recently found out, that one of my really good friends from last summer who was on my team, applied for the same place. I'm so excited to see if we get put together. If we do, I'm going to be wowed by God, and am going to be so happy! Also, my really good friend/mentor/brother (not really brother, but I consider him family), Jeff, is going to be spending his summer in Colorado. SO I might get to see him when I otherwise wouldnt. I'm so excited to see where God takes me this summer, and where he takes me in life! I'm hoping one day to go back to San Diego, and anywhere else in the US that I feel needs help. I have such a huge love for San Diego and the people there because they do need Christ so badly! It's a beautiful city with beaches, mountians, city, and the desert. I was so blessed to be there for two months last summer, and cannot wait to get back!
Thats what God has been revealing to me lately, I have a lot more to say, but I have to get going. We have a showing at 5:30 and I need to clean my room.
With much love, and in christ,
Hannah
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