Anxiety, Struggles, and Quizes

This has just kinda become my journal lately. A lot of the posts I havent been posting tho, just saving for myself so I can go back and read them later.
I had a bit of a breakdown this evening. I hadn't had one in a long time, and I just got so frustrated that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I hate having breakdowns because I cant control it when it happens. I got so stressed about school, and this quiz I took and didn't do very well on, then there's so many things in my life right now that I'm trying to change, I just got way to overwhelmed and couldn't hold it in any longer. I stopped what I was doing (which was reading my Sociology book that I had to read for tomorrows class), and just prayed saying, "God, I can't do this anymore without you. I'm giving it over to you, God. I'm trying to change these things in my life so I can be closer to you, but it's times like these it's so hard for me. I need you to guide me, and to help me. I need you to give me the strength, knowledge, patience, and the attention span to do this. Please Father just help me be the best I can be. Help me not to be lazy in this time where I'm trying to learn more. God, I know I haven't been a very good student in the past, and have just weaseled my way through highschool, but, God, now I'm trying to be serious about school, and want to learn. Please just give me the strength to continue through it."
God has recently shown me some places in my life I've been at fault. Which I'm going to be honest on here about what all those things are, which is very hard for me considering I have never publicly said what these struggles are that I'm trying to change.
Firstly, and the biggest one for me is lust, I've been struggling with lust for over a year now, which you have no idea how hard that is for me to admit, but every day is getting better, and I know that for my future husband it is something I need to work on.
Secondly, I've been struggling with my language. I've had a problem with cussing for  along time. If I said that to even my best friend they'd be like "really?" because I don't cuss around other people very often. When I'm by myself is when it's the worst, which is just as bad as when I'm with people.
Third, I've been really bitter against some people in my life. Including a church that was a huge part of getting me in my spiritual walk where I am today, and I really hate to say it, but I've been really bitter towards my dad. We'll have conversations, and it just makes me mad when he says some of the stuff he says. Which makes me disrespect him too.
And lastly, I've been struggling with laziness. I've needed to go out and get a job for a while now, but just have NOT wanted to do the work to get it. I also have not wanted to do my school work and wait until last minute to do it. I dont study hard enough, or even care if I get what I'm learning. I just want to get it over with.

It's really hard for me to admit all of that on such a public place that my family could read. But it's something I feel I really need to put out there. Yes I know it's really no ones business but my own, but if I dont put it out there, I dont know how I'll be able to overcome it. Because now, I can come here and talk about how I'm doing with it, what God is teaching me through it, and who I'm meeting that is struggling with the same things I am. Over the last few years I've struggled with depression, falling in and out of it. Lately I've fallen back in, and I'm really hoping that these next few months of me working on my relationship with Christ, I can turn my focus back on him, and serving him with everything I have, and that will help. I think that might be why I've struggled with anxiety lately too. Because I haven't given everything to Christ. I've been holding onto certain things, things I shouldn't hold onto. Please be praying for me as I try to overcome these struggles. It's very hard for me at times.

In Christ,
Hannah

Update on lizz, she's on a bus back to pennsylvania to be with her mom and get away from those two guys! God is so good!

Colorado bound!

So this will probably be my last blog on here for two months. I leave Monday for Colorado to be a Sojourner Missionary. I started a new blog though so I will be posting on that. The link is HannahColoradoTrip.Blogspot.com So check that out regularly to see if I update. I will try to get an update out once a week, I did that last summer, and it seemed to work pretty well. I'll also give you the link to my facebook group where I will be posting photos, maybe some videos, and a few other things. That link is http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/group.php?gid=106962962682565

So request to be in the group, and I'll most likely accept. I just wanna make sure you're not a creepy stalker ;) hahaha. Anyways, I'm really looking forward to seeing what God teaches me this summer in beautiful Colorado. He's taught me so much these last few months. The latest thing he's taught me is that he does everything in His timing, not mine. I had been praying for 9 months for God to heal my family, and the prayer didnt get answered until now. It's all in His timing, not ours. I hope everyone has a great summer, and keep checking my other blog for updates :)

In Christ,
Hannah

A lot has been going on lately, and it has shown me how good God really is. Life has been really stressful these last few months for multiple reasons. Parents divorce, selling the house, and trying to figure out if I was going to do anything this summer. God has been so good at answering my prayers that I have been praying for months now.
My parents have decided to try counseling one last time before they completely give up. The stressful part of that was that we had a contract on the house by the time they decided to do that. We needed something to happen for the contract not to go through, but couldnt afford buying out the contract, and had no idea what we were going to do. After the inspection they had asked us to fix some stuff, and my parents declined that, and they had 10 days to reply if they wanted it or not. 10 days was yesterday and they never got back as far as we know. If they can prove that they sent or tried to send in their thing saying they wanted it, then the contract is still valid, BUT if they cant prove it then we can bail out of the contract with no problems.
All of this takes a great deal of stress off of my shoulders for the time being. As long as everything happens to where the contract is no longer legal, I am going to be so relieved!
I leave in 18 days for Colorado as a Sojourner missionary for two months!!! I am so excited to see what God teaches me this summer! Last night while i was laying in bed, I was thinking "maybe I shouldnt go this summer. There's so much happening with moving, james and juliette having their baby, maybe I shouldnt go." God answered that today, saying hey! Here's one thing you wont have to worry about! I can go see my niece after I get home, so that wont be anything to worry about.
These next few weeks I was going to be so stressed out because of everything. Packing up everything in my room, getting ready for Spring Formal in 9 days, then Graduation in 16 days, graduation party in 17 days, and leaving for Colorado in 18 days...was not going to be a fun time. But God gave me peace with it last night at church, and today I understand why.

There's now only one more thing for me to write about right now, and it's to ask you for prayer for a good friend of mine. He has so much going on right now in his life that is just really taking a toll on him. I was talking to him two days ago on the phone, and I could hear the pain in his voice, and on multiple occasions it almost brought me to tears. He is in so much physical pain right now from a surgery, and from another accident that happened a few days ago. He cant get any medicine that he needs until Friday because of some misunderstanding with his doctor. His family and church family have turned completely against him because of his past. They say he's not worthy enough to be in church, but in God's eyes anyone and everyone is welcome in the church, no matter what walk of life they're in. You cant judge someone because of their past. That's not right. it's in the past, leave it there. Please be praying for him. He told me on Tuesday that he feels like he suffered less doing bad, than he does doing good. He told me he's so sick of suffering like this, he's just ready for his prayers to be answered. He's been suffering for two years now with his family and church family. The physical pain has just started here in the last month. Be praying for physical healing for him, and healing in his family and church family. I've been praying constantly for him this last week, and every time I do, it brings me to tears thinking abut everything he's having to deal with. Keep him in his prayers, and continue to keep me in your prayers as I try to comfort him through this, pray that God gives me the words to say to him in these times of suffering.

In Christ,
Hannah

Today was the first time since the week my parents told us about the divorce that i cried about it. i hate not knowing why and my dad saying its none of our business when it is. my dad said that yesterday and it really upset me. He said if i asked him and if i asked my mom why it would be two different answers but i'd rather hear both sides than not know anything of why. its been a tough last few days, and i'm ready for this all to be over with. I hope this texting thing works.

I was talking to a friend last night, and I got reminded of something from when I was around 8 years old, that I really wanted to share with you guys that is totally a God thing.
When I was 8 we had a bunch of missionaries come to my church telling us about their missions, and all of that good stuff. I accepted Christ when I was 7, and I thought it was so cool that I was meeting people that went out and shared the Gospel with people all around the world. That week or weekend or however long it was that they were there, I talked to one couple, I dont have any idea who they are anymore, but I do remember one thing. I remember telling them "I want to be a missionary. I think thats what God wants me to do" and I forgot about that before last night. I was telling my friend about how I felt like what God wants me to do is missions, and that is why I am going on these summer trips. And he told me "but then you dont get to see any of your friends that live out of town" and I was just like "thats very true, but this is what I am going to be doing the rest of my life, and I want to get better at it every chance I get." and then I went on and told him about that story of when i was 8. He was like "wow thats awesome. I'm glad that you're following God's will. I'm just sad I wont get to see you this summer."
It is SO tough leaving for a whole summer, and not being able to visit my out of town friends, that I normally dont get to visit because of us being in school. But I also know that God has a plan for everything, and that I shouldnt go against his will.
One of the places I applied for this summer is Silverthorne Colorado it's about an hour and a half west of Denver, and I just recently found out, that one of my really good friends from last summer who was on my team, applied for the same place. I'm so excited to see if we get put together. If we do, I'm going to be wowed by God, and am going to be so happy! Also, my really good friend/mentor/brother (not really brother, but I consider him family), Jeff, is going to be spending his summer in Colorado. SO I might get to see him when I otherwise wouldnt. I'm so excited to see where God takes me this summer, and where he takes me in life! I'm hoping one day to go back to San Diego, and anywhere else in the US that I feel needs help. I have such a huge love for San Diego and the people there because they do need Christ so badly! It's a beautiful city with beaches, mountians, city, and the desert. I was so blessed to be there for two months last summer, and cannot wait to get back!

Thats what God has been revealing to me lately, I have a lot more to say, but I have to get going. We have a showing at 5:30 and I need to clean my room.

With much love, and in christ,
Hannah

1st Peter chapters 1 and 2

Last night at Matthias Lot we finished 1st Peter chapter 2. I'm not going to go into detail about everything I've learned so far or anything, all I'm going to do is post the first two chapters for you to read. It's really amazing everything Peter writes. If you havent done a study on 1st Peter you should. Or you can go onto iTunes and listen to Marc at Matthias' Lot preach about it. There is so much wisdom in this book that we should all study. Later when I have more time I am going to go back and look at all my notes from this study so far and try to write something on here about it, but for now here's 1st Peter 1, 2

1 Peter 1

Greeting

 ¹Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,  
   To those who are elect exiles of the dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, ²according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with his blood:
  
   May grace and peace be multiplied to you.

Born Again to a Living Hope

 ³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, ⁹obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. ¹⁰Concerning this salvation, the prophets who prophesied about the grace that was to be yours searched and inquired carefully, ¹¹inquiring what person or time the Spirit of Christ in them was indicating when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the subsequent glories. ¹² It was revealed to them that they were serving not themselves but you, in the things that have now been announced to you through those who preached the good news to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven, things into which angels long to look.

Called to Be Holy

 ¹³Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ¹⁴As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, ¹⁵but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, ¹⁶since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." ¹⁷And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, ¹⁸knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, ¹⁹but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. ²⁰He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you ²¹ who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God. ²²Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, ²³ since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God; ²⁴for

    "All flesh is like grass
   and all its glory like the flower of grass.
The grass withers,
   and the flower falls,
²⁵ but the word of the Lord remains forever."
  
   And this word is the good news that was preached to you.

1 Peter 2

A Living Stone and a Holy People

 ¹ So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. ² Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— ³if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. ⁴As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, ⁵ you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. ⁶For it stands in Scripture:

    "Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone,
   a cornerstone chosen and precious,
 and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame."
 ⁷So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe,

   "The stone that the builders rejected
   has become the cornerstone,"
 ⁸and

    "A stone of stumbling,
   and a rock of offense."
  
   They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do.
 ⁹But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. ¹⁰ Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.
 ¹¹Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. ¹² Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.

Submission to Authority

 ¹³ Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, ¹⁴or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. ¹⁵For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. ¹⁶ Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. ¹⁷ Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. ¹⁸ Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. ¹⁹For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. ²⁰For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. ²¹For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. ²² He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. ²³ When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. ²⁴ He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. ²⁵For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.










In Christ,
Hannah